If you think God isn’t nice wait until he disciplines you

At the height of my hurt & anger this is all God had to say to me, ‘sin is lurking (remain hidden waiting in ambush) at your door, beware & master it’. “What God? Don’t you see how much am hurting? Don’t you even care? Where’s my comfort?” Then I pictured throwing my punches while tears flowed like crazy. ‘If there’s a moment I don’t love you Lord it’s now, it’s this very moment’…Not even God was spared from the intensity of my emotions – I couldn’t help it, & that’s why he’s fighting it off of me. Ruthlessly.

I have prayed the bit of God search my heart and thoughts and if you find anything unworthy lead me back to the way everlasting. Then he found something & stripped me – stark naked. In my hurt I still found the will to do devotion and that’s when he let me know how much I had in common with Cain who killed his brother Abel. If you think God isn’t nice wait until he disciplines you. I get why David cried out for Mercy.

My best friend in high school thought I was slightly better than Cruela – a mean character in a certain soap opera. I was utterly mean and delighted in winning cold wars. I figured I wasn’t meant for the literal battle field so I mastered the art of inflicting emotional pain; I was pretty good. I pushed a classmate to a mild anxiety attack – don’t even ask me how, & I watched Evelyn turn pink from crying her heart out a couple of times. There are a few who flopped their exams, I couldn’t let them study. I brought out their insecurities, often ridiculing them in public trampling on their self-esteem. I was barely affected & when I was, I had to master my feelings because I had to win; they had to beg for mercy, not once, not twice but until my anger was quenched – & I had plenty.

Fast forward to years when am chasing after God and I think nothing unworthy is lodged within me. After all I have him search my heart every day. I pretty much get convictions from the Holy Spirit, like when I cross the road at a non-designated area when the foot bridge is a stone’s throw away, when I lie or a negative thought crosses my mind. He’s like ‘Caroline, that’s still wrong’. Sometimes I sigh as I drag myself to climb the extra stairs & go round a building to get to a place I could otherwise hop & be there in a minute. He makes it worthwhile as he reminds me that there’s no easy way of doing the right thing & on the other hand when there’s no police in casual cloths waiting to pounce on me from the other end, he’s still watching. Occasionally I meet a needy person and I share lunch with him/her or I meet a friend I hadn’t seen for a while. It pushes me to do one more thing right – oh these awful gold star rewards of mine!

6 am. Swollen throat from a tearful night, am looking for comfort from the God I felt I hated. I was unconsciously hurting people I love over consequences from past choices I made – those he forgave & delivered me from. In all honesty I don’t want to be an angry person carrying every little hurt at heart. Am glad he didn’t strike me down from all the unworthy thoughts I redirected towards him. So he is God and he is supposed to fix everything even when am doing the exact opposite of what he commands. Because my emotions are bursting out of control, he is supposed to come to my level and assure me that he knows my heart & how I desire to do right. That when everyone else doesn’t get me, he does, so I shouldn’t take things too hard. If only he did so!

‘Then the Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door, it desires to have you, but you must master it.” Gen 4:6-7.

Wait. Me & Cain? If I do what is right? Have I been doing wrong – in all my pursuit of righteousness? This isn’t the comfort I was looking for. So I started off at Gen 4 to get where Cain went wrong, & learned a few things.

He was the first born – Normally first borns have some sought of honor, remember Esau & Jacob on the birthright story? They are considered the strength of their fathers. Without forgetting, he is the first miracle of birth, yes, pregnancy & birth are miracles.

He was the first to offer offering – “In the course of time, Cain brought some of the fruits of the soil as an offering to the Lord…” Am convinced he had good intentions otherwise he didn’t have to bother with the offering in the first place.

He did not receive favor from the Lord – This is the bit am still digesting – my wounds are kind of still raw. So Cain brought what he had & offered to God. He had expectations and wanted to receive approval from God but he was rejected. It had to be with his heart because what came out first was anger then jealousy. “So Cain was very angry and his face downcast” verse 5. I also see lack of humility.

If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? – And right has never been relative like this before. I realized I can wear myself out trying to be right when am chasing the wind.

Sin is crouching at your door – another version says sin is waiting to attack you like a lion. I have seen lions hunt & they waste no time to pounce on a prey they pursue. In my case I just have to open my lips & give in to my emotions, saying things I don’t understand/mean and labelling God on how unloving and unfaithful he is.

It desires to have you but you must master it – It doesn’t say should, rather it’s a command; you must master it. God clearly told me that this situation desires to destroy me but I must not give in to it. That required me to be humble, apologise for things I did not understand and refuse to give in to my emotions that dragged along unnecessary words. It’s the hardest thing I had to do.

The greatest lesson I learned is responding to my emotions with the true & absolute word of God. So help me God.

Earlier this week, God made it so clear that he hasn’t called me to impress people – by my stories and many words, but rather go forth in obedience doing the work he has called me to & do it ‘right’; that didn’t come out so nice. I won’t even say that was mean, it’s simply God’s tough love.

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BEHIND THE SCENE

Movies are great because of all that happens behind the scenes; the editing, re-shoots, make up and so on. Real life stories are even better because we can relate to the challenges and triumphs. I open my student portal frequently to check if my results have been posted, am always looking forward to an A because I know I worked behind the scenes – I studied. I grouch on the Bs & promise not to do the last minute study again. Studying, especially for an exam, is not always fun. Faith isn’t either. Trusting God in the middle of the storm is plain hard. Fasting makes me cranky at times. Keshas-nights of prayers, are long & cold. Sometimes I think of that clean, fresh & warm duvet, the pillow I had just replaced and I check my watch from time to time. Commitment is crazy and on this post I will refrain as much as possible from talking about the great results of pushing through hard times.

At times I struggle to trust in God then as I hold on to his word, my flesh follows suit. Its no longer about how I feel. What’s the point of reading scripture and attending church if they won’t have any impact on me in difficult times? How does it help me to know God is good yet I can’t hold on to his goodness in times of need? Being broken and hopeless should not warrant me to give up. Just because am coming down from Egypt with Pharaoh’s chariots behind me and the red sea ahead doesn’t mean I have to cut my wrist and choose an easier pain. Sometimes dragging ourselves is part of the journey, as long we are moving ahead. Usually, after a powerful sermon, I wonder how in the world I could have missed that. One disturbing truth I learned a while back is that God works with my pace and I can only learn from Him as much as I want to. I attended a one month series on purity and twice I left crying. How could I not have known these things earlier? Well, prior to that I hadn’t been to any event centered on that topic, how else could I have learned? Church is great but not enough. 2 hours in a week won’t give anyone a fraction of strength we need to overcome the flesh & to walk close enough with the holy spirit to be convicted of sin. Going for trainings, prayer meetings, bible study is all part of the behind the scenes work – it’s not always fun but it’s worth it. It’s worth knowing your purpose (& we can only know this in Christ) in life & avoid going round life taking chances.

Another disturbing truth I came across – if you are not up for the job, someone else is. God knew you before you were born & lets say, he put the gift of music in you for His glory. One case scenario – because you have not developed it through practice you feel inadequate and as a result your salt losses its saltiness. How can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men (Mathew 5:13). The enemy picks up the remnants of a good soul and uses it for his glory, then has you half naked singing & dancing in front of a crowd to be trampled by men (& he has plenty of ways to do that). I have seen a man who had anything but a musical voice start to lead worship. He took it upon himself to lead & clearly there’s a passion to worship God even from his choice of music. In the first weeks we would give each other glances through muffled laughter. Then he actually started to sing better than anyone in the room and that’s exactly how God works. He gives you a gift and you sleep on it, He gladly puts it on another willing soul.

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Am still chasing this awesome God & today in my weariness I told him to not let me be the first who will be last (mark 10:31). May I fight the good fight, finish the race and keep the faith; that I may receive the crown of righteousness which the Lord will award on that day (2nd timothy 4:7).

 

 

 

 

We can choose our sins, not the consequences.

I know Christ, I believe in Him, in His death & resurrection. I go to church and pray about my needs, I thank God and even give an offering. I receive the holy communion & give my tithe. Am a Christian, am a believer. I stumble & fall but then again He forgives me. God is love & for sure understands whenever I compromise with his truth, after all am still a Christian, am still a child of God; I still believe in him right? I know what the bible says, but a little lie won’t hurt; God understands I had to fix this, I had no other way around it. The company I work for takes me for granted, am never appreciated despite all I give; I will pay myself, I will adjust the receipts and sign vouchers for refunds. If God is just, He understands. I fantasize about him, even though I desire what I can’t have; it hurts no one and am still ‘faithful’ to my spouse (I don’t physically sleep around)/am still a virgin waiting on the Lord. He is married to her but she doesn’t get him like I do; am just being there for him, at the end of the day he goes home happy, am ok and she gets to keep her marriage; God knows that I honestly care about him.

‘Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the spirit, from the spirit will reap eternal life’.Galatians 6:7-8 (NIV)

Why are we born again if we compromise with the word of God just because it doesn’t suit us or we don’t understand why we are asked to obey certain precepts? Why can’t I have sex before am married? Simple, because God says so. Why should I have devotion every day? How else will you get to know about Christ and how do you expect to win a day’s battle without drawing strength from Christ first? Why do we support homosexuality when the bible is clearly against it? Because we ought to love people? Because Christ came for us all & we are all sinners and have fallen short of the grace of God? Just because I love my child, I won’t let him play with fire – despite how much it fascinates him, because I know he will get burnt. Does that mean I don’t love him? The truth is we don’t know the Christianity we profess. We don’t know the Christ we confess because if we loved him we would know right from wrong – through the holy spirit that convicts us of our wrongs. Yet, we still compromise because when we sin, we do not lose an arm or a leg, and we easily forget how he redeemed us. But this is what the bible says –

For in the days before the flood, people were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, up to the day Noah entered the ark; and they knew nothing about what would happen until the flood came and took them away. That is how it will be at the coming of the son of man. Mathew 24:38-39. (NIV)

There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death. Proverbs 14:12 (NIV)

We can chose a night of pleasure to indulge in lust, alcohol & drugs; or hours of watching secular music, movies and a set of series that blind us from sin while enriching us with lust, deceit, bondage and envy; you will even get away with lying, denouncing God, breaking certain commandments (if you break one you have broken all – James 2:10) and have a successful life without receiving Christ – none of these is worth eternal damnation in hell.

Then I saw a great white throne and him who was seated on it. Earth and sky fled from his presence, and there was no place for them. And I saw the dead, great and small, standing before the throne, and books were opened. Another book was opened, which is the book of life. The dead were judged according to what they had done as recorded in the books. The sea gave up the dead that were in it, and death and hades gave up the dead that were in them, and each person was judged according to what they had done. Then death and hades were thrown into the lake of fire. The lake of fire is the second death. If anyone’s name was not found written in the book of life, he was thrown into the lake of fire. Rev 20:11-15. (NIV)

He will be tormented with burning sulphur in the presence of the holy angels and of the lamb (God is a loving God, but he won’t entertain sin). And the smoke of their torment rises for ever and ever. There is no rest day or night…. Rev 14: 10-11 (NIV)

Then who shall be saved? Keep striving, because those who seek righteousness shall be filled. Mathew 5:6 (NIV)

What happens when we die?

For we were born only yesterday and know nothing, and our days on earth are but a shadow. Job 8:9 (NIV)

The very instant you breathe your last on earth; life continues either in heaven or hell – our souls are eternal. With the toxicity of sulphur, the stench & torment in hell, it’s a struggle to breath and all one can do is gasp for air – forever. Its like that moment you have been running and are out of breath, and all you want is to catch a breath. Well, there’s no catching of breath in hell, the body is weary from fighting horrendous pain (physical and emotional because of the seclusion and hopelessness of knowing that your torment is eternal). Hell was prepared for the devil and his angels, not for you, Mathew 25:41.

There’s a place prepared for you though ‘in my father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you…I will come back and take you to be with me…you know the way to the place where I am going’ John 14:2-4.

If you want to read more about heaven & hell, read the books of Daniel, Ezekiel, Hosea, Isiah, Revelation and the 4 gospels – Mathew, mark, Luke & John. Also watch this true vision of hell backed with scripture and another one in Kiswahili that gave me vivid details of heaven and hell.

There are only two roads ahead of you; each day you wake up you chose either one of them, one leading to hell, another heaven. We were born into sin, we are automatically headed towards hell and as we get to the accountability age and hear the word of God we get to choose to redirect our walk. Jesus came that we may have life abundantly; He is the only way, truth and life, nothing or no one else gives you access to God. When you choose to follow him, it’s a life of wholeness, of sacrifice & purity.

Do not gamble with sin.

Am in a crowded road, it’s really packed and noisy. Am heading north and there’s a voice on the move giving direction. I miss it once and am lost, so I have to remain focused and keep following it. I have to carry only what I need, because I don’t know how far am headed otherwise I may get weary from the heavy burden. And this is what he tell me –

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Mathew 11:28-30. (NIV)

I will continue to write and tell about Christ, our hope for eternal life, knowing that it’s Him who draws hearts to himself; let it be you who is reading this now. Heed to the call & work out your salvation in fear & trembling as Paul instructed the Philippians.

Prayer: To receive Christ

Lord Jesus, I thank you for your sacrifice at the cross, that through your death I am able to be saved. I repent of my sins and ask you to come into my life, to redirect my path that I may sin no more. Help me surrender my life to you fully, that I may be received into eternal life. In Jesus name, Amen.

Prayer: To rededicate your life to Christ

Lord Jesus, I thank you for the gift of salvation and ask that you forgive me when I have taken it for granted. I repent of my sins (name them as they come to mind) and ask you to be my lord and savior again. Help me to keep the faith in anticipation of your coming, that I may be found worthy upon your return; written in the book of life. Release me from the bondage of the enemy who comes to steal, kill and destroy (name any addiction, struggle, sin) and keeps me from total commitment to you. Lead me in the way everlasting. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

Too much Righteousness?

With red puffy eyes, a 16 year old in high school boarding once pulled a chair and asked Jesus to take a seat. She locked eyes to what would be His and word by word she poured her heart out; why she had been crying and how lost she felt. She was flopping in her exams. She couldn’t feel God, her urgent calls went unanswered. The most unbearable one was His absence; He seemed farther than ever. Had she done anything wrong? It could be that Friday night prayer she missed, or the thoughts & feelings she had towards this guy she had just met. Perhaps how disobedient she had been towards her parents over the holidays, the secular songs she had listened to or the Sunday sermons she had missed. She was hopeless, yet, that very same day marked the very beginning of her ministry life. Of course, she would know that 10 years later; the beauty of His feedback then, in simple clear words was all she took home. She cried some more, only not tears of pain but joy. Her simple act of faith drew the attention of Christ himself & He came down as summoned, listened and these are the words He left behind…words she could not doubt or second guess because they hit her to the core; and because of the indescribable joy that filled her heart instantly. Words from Isiah 41:8-16

But, You O Israel, my servant
Jacob, whom I have chosen, you descendants
Of Abraham my friend,
I took you from the ends of the earth,
From its farthest corners I called you,
I said, ‘you are my servant’;
I have chosen you and have not rejected you
So do not fear, for I am with you
Do not be dismayed for I am your God
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand
All who rage against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced;
Those who oppose you will be as nothing and perish
Though you search for your enemies, you will not find them
Those who wage war against you will be as nothing at all
For I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand
And says to you, Do not fear; I will help you
Do not be afraid, O worm Jacob, O little Israel
See, I will make you into a threshing-sledge
New & sharp, with many teeth
You will thresh the mountains and crush them,
And reduce the hills to chaff
You will winnow them, and the wind will pick them up
But you will rejoice in the Lord and glory in the Holy One of Israel.

10 years later, after the many runs and detours, am hear chasing after God again. Am getting the very meaning of those words He gave me when I was young, hungry & thirsty for righteousness. I am the living proof of Mathew 5:6 ‘blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled’. But then again, how much is too much righteousness? My week (spiritually) goes something like this.

Monday – Devotion, lunch hour fellowship, meditation, witnessing, bible reading, praying throughout the day….

Tuesday – Everything done on Monday (EDM), evangelism meetings in the evening

Wednesday – EDM, Prayer meetings at church

Thursday – EDM, substitute lunch hour fellowship with campus bible study

Friday – EDM, home bible study

To clarify, this is not a self-righteous display of my Christianity, it’s an illustration that helps me approach the idea of how much is too much…in regard to walking with God and living a balanced life.

There are so many verses in the bible that tell me this is nothing close to what we are called to…and I agree. We need more.

Psalms 119:9, 11 – How can a ‘young’ man keep his way pure? By living according to your word. Verse 11, I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you….

A life of purity comes through the word of God – living it. So there’s no way I will keep sin at bay if I do not have the word of God in me. When you hide something you keep it to yourself…its hidden so no one but you knows, & when sin crawls in, you are rightly armored to fight. 66 books of the bible, hundreds of chapters, thousands of verses cannot creep into your heart through Sunday sermons. The bible, just like the speech of Jesus, is full of many parables; we need insight through fellowship, bible trainings, and devotions to get interpretation. The most amazing thing about the bible is the different revelation on the same verse; covering every season of life.

Joshua 1:8 – Do not let this book of the law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it.

Deuteronomy 6:5-9 – Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul & with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon you hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the door-frames of your houses and on your gates.

Am sure if I inscribe something like ‘God is good’ on my door people will think that’s nuts – well…nothings on my door, yet!

Is this easy? No. Then again, there’s the power of the Holy Spirit working in us. Sometimes I get weary and I pray for strength, but then again it’s the 10 year stretch that compels me keep to the faith, because I have tried everything else and failed. My moral gauge dropped to a whooping negative, that which I upheld the most crumbled within me & yet, I rejoice in that because I was humbled to seek Christ for righteousness. I know that one day outside His presence drains my spirit, gets me weaker and vulnerable to be preyed on by the enemy. So I keep fighting to stay on course, to loose an extra hour of sleep and draw closer to God. Every day He draws me to the purpose of this beautiful creation story – before I was born He knew me, and I don’t have to wander in the wilderness for 40 years. One truth that sort of scares me is when I pass through paved roads that lead to luxury homes; I only see stones, light, gardens and I know in my heart I can certainly do without them. I want nothing more than Christ; & the burden in my heart, to secure the homeless stands in the way of everything flashy. Hold that! A sermon I heard today could easily dispute my thoughts; when i have the resources to do what i can, that’s the only time I can claim mother Theresa, and I agree. Unless I remain in Christ any good thought I have is worthless, because it springs from pride/self-righteousness – to bring glory to myself and not Christ.

Isiah 64:6 – …all our righteous acts (outside Christ) are like filthy rags. We all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away.

Where’s the balance?

(A work in progress)

Family first.

Family is my first ministry…if they are unhappy, my spiritual life cannot thrive. Am learning to consistently prioritize their needs – my presence, food I have personally prepared and any other activity that makes me available to them.

Time management

There’s a lot that can be done in 24hours, if I plan for it, in that my timelines don’t crush on each other causing a state of haste around me.

Fun

I have recently scraped off movies as my fun source, am easily controlled by them so if I can do without them the better and guess what, I can. I love to exercise, read blogs, be with friends and family….along the way I will find more that will fill my tank.

Listen

Listen to my body when am too engaged, listening to others, especially E. Sometimes it’s not the easiest thing to listen when I feel am right, but am learning.

As long as He won’t ask me away, I will keep seeking Him…and yes He is faithful, for He shall be found.

Why I said No to God’s calling

I was that type of Christian who got saved every Sunday. Felt right. I meant to post Bound on 31st Dec. I didn’t want 2016 to be the year of shelving God. I didn’t backslide over the recent years, I just shelved prayer & reading God’s word until I was too dry to feel Christian enough. The bible refers to Christians as trees; either bad or good, nothing in between. ‘Every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit’ Mathew 7:17. I examined the fruits of the spirit within me (if any at all); joy, love, peace, goodness, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, self-control and patience…The bible specifically addresses each in various ways. Thessalonians 5:16 says ‘be joyful always….give thanks in all circumstances…’ I was certainly not ALWAYS joyful. I complained, anger had been my portion when certain situations arose, hopelessness drew in some days and as a result I shelved prayer from my lack of Joy. There was no self-control to hold back my words, lies, thoughts, and actions. I still lack unconditional love (1 Corinthians 13); love greater than people’s action and myself. I wasn’t always faithful in prayer and devotion. This spoke much of the tree that I was/am/short of. With all these thoughts rummaging within me I still expressed to God my desires of seeing through His eyes and in a dream I was referred to Psalms 139.

“…you have searched me and you know me….you perceive my thoughts from afar…before a word is on my tongue you know it completely…”

I had mentioned that my love for God drains me. I feel drained in pursuit of Christ’s righteousness – to live a holy life. God continues to pursue my spots, wrinkles and blemishes that sometimes I retrieve. Psalms 139 continued to say “Where can I go from your spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens you are there; if I make my bed in the depths you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast….”

I was also reassured that God knew what He was dealing with when it concerned me, for He “created my inmost being, knit me together in my mother’s womb…my frame was not hidden from Him when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth…”

The calling…

I was put in the campus evangelism ministry in November of last year to serve in 2016. We are a team of 12 in different dockets. Our work is to share about Christ in campus; organize and lead crusades, preach, outreach, nurture new believers with numerous extended meetings of praying, fasting, sharing, planning and organizing among others. Before I knew in details what I was called into I said No, I asked for someone else to replace me because I was busy; mostly caring for my family (that’s why we need to serve God more when we are younger; when we have the time and less responsibility). God responded.

Before I knew it I had a nanny to assist me and I was attending a 3 day prayer retreat to dedicate the work ahead to God. There were certainly other things holding me back, some came up in our bonding session with the rest of the team.

  • Fear of going out of our comfort zone

Most people, including me,  prefer the comfort of warming church seats listening to a sermon. We don’t consider being the preacher, spending hours in prayer and digging the word. We can’t stand on our feet in the ushering ministry, join praise and worship, visitation, Sunday school ministry and missions. It takes too much time and we are busy with work, school, entertainment and family. Its equally difficult to leave the safety of our caged insecurities in attempts to serve God, but where is God in your comfort zone?

  • Fear of Sacrifice

I mentioned to a friend that a good public speaker is not necessarily a good preacher. He disagreed. I know from experience that you can have the knowledge of Christ when sharing and that’s all you will share. God’s word is specifically ordained for a purpose and a season, we have to seek Him in prayer to ask for the right message and utterance for the audience He has provided lest we speak what we think people ought to hear. When we preach, it’s not our word changing people but the spirit of God convicting hearts. If we don’t seek Him, He won’t be present to do so. Walking with God will also cost us big time, some have paid the price with their own lives. Jesus in Mathew 10: 35-38 says that he has come to turn a man against his father, a daughter against his mother. A man’s enemies will be the members of his own household because anyone who loves his mother, father or child more than Him is not worthy of Him. He says this because nothing kept Him in Heaven when He had to die for us; not even the love of His father.

The life of John the Baptist speaks of the ultimate sacrifice. He was born for a specific mission; preparing the way of Christ. He lived in the dessert – he must have been lonely without his family, he fed on locusts and wild honey. It’s great to preach about the love of God and His mercy, it comforts people. Instead he had to solely preach about repentance. He was imprisoned for upholding truth and the Christ He championed seemed to be setting others free, except him. It must have been so hopeless for him to doubt the truth he had known; the Christ He had laid his life for. He was beheaded as a gift to a king’s daughter. When Jesus heard that John had died ‘He withdrew by boat privately to a solitary place’ Mathew 14:13, because it troubled and saddened Him. He knew the scripture had to be fulfilled and just like His death, He could not have stop John’s.

  • Fear of Inadequacy

Am not good enough. That has been on the table for me; I have fed on this I know how it tastes and smells, I can perceive it from afar when am asked to pray or lead a service. The only way to counter this is enriching myself with the word of God; learning to pray in spirit as my roots get deeper and as I develop boldness in Christ. I have to continuously be present, seek his face wholeheartedly as I learn to focus on Christ and not myself. There’s no shortcut in being confident in Christ other than surrendering FULLY to Him.

  • Fear of what people will say

We have evangelism week coming up in February. I will be part of my team preaching in open places, will go door to door seeking students for Christ. I will meet my friends who perhaps in that moment will not want to come closer for the usual hugs.

  • Fear of the unknown

I was to hopefully work this year yet I feel I want to focus on this given ministry more. It will be great to activate my faith in God’s provision – faith and trust are areas I have been praying for God to help me with, especially when things are out of control or am in dire need of a breakthrough.

Will God want me to maybe work in ministry full time? Will this stand in the way of my dreams of a bigger family? Does this mean I will have no fancy career to pursue? Will I still travel the world like I want to? Can I be committed? What if my nanny goes, will I stop everything halfway? Can I sacrifice it all?

The word in bold is Fear, because among other things that will keep many outside the gates of heaven is the fear of grasping the opportunities set before us – the opportunities to truly receive and share Christ. The bible says that the race is not for the swift but that time and chance happens to us all. The other day I was afraid to take food to a homeless man; just in case he was crazy and he happened to chase me away. He turned out grateful and hungry too. Am glad I stamped on fear and blessed a heart, three in that case; mine, his and that of Christ.

Today God inspired in Me.…Salvation is a journey of Faith one day at time.

Just to share – Am on a journey (again) of reading the bible from Genesis to Revelation. Found it easier to start with the New Testament, drawing inspiration from the life and sacrifice of Jesus Christ, and am looking forward to it. Will find a way to share the milestones as God inspires in me. Blessings.

Bound

As if to remind me, there are traces of you everywhere. Maybe, just maybe, that’s why I keep things. Receipts, letters, notes. You had me write, write of my love for you lest I forget; when am dragged & pulled down by the stumbles and the falls. Like David, I ache for you. It’s a burn that’s left me emotionally unstable, the best I could describe it ‘my love for you drains me’. I turn away and it’s okay for a while, then I hit a bump and I think, well, it’s the cycle again. I hide in some corner for days, then come out head down, shoulders slumped and just cry. Then, I realize the tears only make my head ache and I struggle to pray, remind myself that I truly love you and don’t know how to be what I need/want to be. Crazy love. Am getting better though. I still try to figure you out and I hit a dead end. Perhaps it’s because you are too many things in one. Today am thankful for the strides, for opening my eyes to a world that’s richer than what I know. In all honesty am still at the gates, outside, looking in to a life too beautiful to be true. I am still dragging my old self, will it ever leave as long as I live?
I still want to see the world as you do; see people for what you created them to be and not necessarily who they are. I want to live beyond what I feel, the imperfection; to understand how temporary earthly life is. I want to speak beyond my thoughts; there’s got to be more if you live inside me. I want to view pain beyond the scars, the sleepless nights, the tears and the loss. I want to see you at every corner I turn, right or wrong because you said you will never leave me or forsake me.
I want to bear fruits for the love I so much claim, I don’t know how or when…I seem to never know a thing, and am almost okay with that.
Thank you for the year that’s gone, thank you for the next.