I want to move houses, this means a new school for Nate. I want to finish school and off to work immediately. I want to go to Paris. I want all of these by December 2016. None of that has happened. Yet. The other day we were walking to church with Nate and met an old friend. I happened to mention to her that I needed God to do so much in such a short time & that didn’t surprise her. She assured me God is able to do so much more. I wanted to believe that, i just couldn’t.
I had a great start to the year, it would be my last year in school and I was sowing in faith on so many levels. Then, the nanny I got from the blues, who I hadn’t even prayed for really, who we went to church together and she accepted Christ in our fellowship, who I saw as a gateway to the ministry I was called into on campus and home church See how i was psyched up for this…left within three months. As she was leaving, I realized how much I had failed to balance ministry with my home and the latter fell, come to think of it both fell at that point. Faith wise, I began to crumble. See, when you trust God for an egg and one day it drops in your hands, you spray it with water, wipe it with your kinky hair and smear olive oil on it, then when you least expect it the worst happens and it drops and takes everything with it…you crumble. I have had over 15 nannies with Nathan (He is 3 years old). It’s like never keeping a job. I did absolutely everything to keep them and one by one they left with a piece of my broken heart, taking the last shred of hope I had in keeping one. I have learned to be responsible, to walk into a kitchen full of dirty scattered dishes (it’s the kitchen that always messes with me), put on music and spend the next 3 hours restoring sanity in my tiny space where the orange-white checkered curtain is constantly screaming “wash me today please”.
As she was leaving, God blatantly told me I had failed when i was compared to Cain in the Bible. The devotion I read that day was “If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it.” And perhaps because i was bitter with God over time it did just that. I ended up not doing much in evangelism committee ‘according to me’, I kind off just slacked.
I left the skies and in the recent months I have been dragging in the mud of faith; believing I can pray again and that the bible doesn’t contain empty words and promises. There’s been test after test after test, and at some point I got tired and allowed myself to get hit. I opened a can of worms. My battery went so low and it eventually died. I try to recharge it and I constantly get the blinks. I don’t know what God is crucifying in me, perhaps it just got started and I don’t know. My eyes are wide open staring into darkness thicker than the smokes of Hades, constantly calling out ‘save me’.
He knows what I need: offer the sacrifice of praise, Godliness with contentment is of great gain, the just shall live by faith. He knows I need my spirit strengthened more than my body satisfied. He knows these things shall pass. He knows It’s time I fed on meat, even when I feel I’m not yet ready, even when I don’t know what that really means. It’s been the hardest to trust in God, perhaps my roots are being pulled deeper or I’m growing them.
It doesn’t sound musical, perhaps it will when I’m in heaven and everything is in the right perspective.
Have you been to a night service where it’s cold, you are struggling with sleep, the worshipers are off key and you can’t seem to follow what the preacher is saying? And you are like…”would it have been different if I stayed home?” That’s the right atmosphere to meet with God. Doesn’t make sense right? God doesn’t always call us to fancy stuff. To preach to 100 million people moved to tears by the Holy Spirit. To Hillsong, King and country concerts. To cruise in the Atlantic singing ‘Kumbaya’ adorning God on the works of his hands. We are constantly sent to mission fields to pray with the sick and evangelize to a handful who show up and no one accepts Christ (sowing the seeds). We are called to seek God on empty stomachs and a clueless tomorrow, being thankful in advance…to the prayers he seems to not give answers to. We are called to trust him, even when our hearts are continuously broken. We are called to faithfully serve with the little we think we have. We are called to rejoice at all times because the price was already paid. The lamb is already slayed. We have the gift of salvation that surpasses everything we may ever desire. We are victorious because He says we are. Even when we don’t understand a thing.
We are called to know and believe that He is God. He knows exactly what we need and the rest are details.