Perception

I was walking from my house, thirty minutes past 7 in the night having my usual conversations with Christ. I thought how tangible things are more real and perhaps what frustrates me most in my spiritual walk is the inability to hold and feel my faith, God’s promises and even his unconditional love for me – in difficult times. In that instance it dawned on me, as if I never knew before, that I can neither see, hear, taste nor smell any spiritual aspect of my life – at list not in my daily Christian walk. I can’t demystify God from my human perception – the cognition/awareness of the information I receive from my sensory organs, that is ears, eyes, nose, mouth and skin.

I often read and reread my posts, mostly because I relate to the events I write. There are instances I try too much, I must admit, and there’s one post i tried to write someone else’s story. I will walk down that memory lane, from where God has me headed, so I won’t delete them. God has given me a framework of what he could have me do & I have no idea where to start. In theory, it seems great. It’s one of those concepts of making the world a better place. It’s big & puts me out there – an introverts nightmare. And I asked him “How am I even able to do this? This is bigger than me.” “Through Christ who strengthens you” that’s what came to mind.

Another post that I question its impact from the title alone is this. Am very honest in my writing, sometimes a little too much. There have been moments I question God’s goodness; in chronic situations – painful seasons that seem to last forever, his loud silence and my very own perfect ideas that hit a dead end. Am like God, I thought we were on this together…I tagged you along remember? And I must have done just that, tag him along instead of having him take the wheel. My imperfect relationship with Christ is an everyday work in progress – that’s how I see it, and still on the other side I know Christ did all the work, I am not saved by my works.

“but when perfection comes the imperfection disappears” 1 Cor 13:10.

Am working towards receiving everything he worked so hard for me, who knew acceptance would be the battle? I remember how grandmothers in my community chewed our foods and had us swallow, when we were still infants. Now we want to throw up from the mere thought because we think way too much. Infants eat anything, even poop & they don’t question what their grannies give them. We get older and get conditioned to the awful thought of having someone chew for us & it’s no longer an act of love/nurture. That’s the very same way we act towards God. His yoke is easy, his burden light but we still want to drag our own weight and remain as we are, in our discomfort zone.

“For anyone who enters God’s rest also rests from his own work….” Hebrews 4:10

My spiritual perception changes(gets bigger/clearer) as I grow in the Lord. I pray that in the quest to impact others with the knowledge and truth of Christ, my emotions won’t get in the way. Am striving towards; living joyfully from this fact alone – Christ has redeemed me & it’s his will for me to be joyful always, not in the turnout of my circumstances; trusting unwavering in God, his timing & promises. That everything I do will reflect the truth & love of Christ and a woman yearning to please God; from sharing real/personal/true struggles that reveal the glory of God to preaching water and drinking from the very same cup. So help me God.

 

VANITY

Among the very valid reasons God wants our minds off this world is that it will constantly disappoint us. The widow with the 2 small copper coins gave more than the rich in the room. Jesus said it’s because she gave out of her poverty while the latter out of their abundance. Let me turn this the other way round to illustrate how and why friendships, property, children, spouses and any form of security can never satisfy. Those who gave plenty gave out of abundance and the world lacks that which we seek hence it cannot give what it does not have.

I have had high expectations on people, even now I still do. I expect people to be honest and mean what they say. I expect everyone to be conscious of their future and plan now, save that extra mpesa transaction money, that weekend alcohol bill and take a bus instead of a flight if they have no rush – the goal is the destination right? I want people to read my mind and know I mean well even if it doesn’t show on my face. Expectations, from a world that doesn’t have much to give if any at all. Am looking to people who harbor hurt & pain to love me back, who suffer rejection to openly accept me, people who don’t know the future to acknowledge that am on the right path. Am looking for approval, dependency, stability and security in an ever changing world. Am looking for a constant – relationships that will last forever, a pocket that won’t run dry, health that won’t deteriorate, knowledge that will stay on my fingertips. Am chasing the wind, and heck I want to be fit but am getting weary instead. Am always disappointed and my secondary appraisal is to blame them that have let me down. I spend too much energy fixing my perspective on people who don’t see eye to eye with me. Then I end up thinking maybe it’s actually me with the problem and not them.

Yesterday, the bulb went off and I not only saw the light but perceived it. I heard the voice but then again this time I understood – the moment we shift focus from God to people, we can only expect less of what we are because lets be honest, there’s not much to rejoice within us either. We make promises we don’t keep, we pass judgment, we silently scorn others and even in our thoughts we err. If I can’t give as much, I shouldn’t expect to receive any. So the next time you are disappointed in someone/a circumstance look within yourself and see the much you lack, then draw to God who has much more to give than you are willing to receive – not another relationship, job, career, town. They will still disappoint.

“Cursed is the one who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength & whose hurt turns away from the Lord” Jeremiah 17:5

“Do not wear yourself out to get rich; have the wisdom to show restraint. Cast but a glance at riches and they are gone, for they will surely sprout wings and fly off to the sky like an eagle” Proverbs 23:4-5 NIV

“Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things” Col 3:2 NIV