Bound

As if to remind me, there are traces of you everywhere. Maybe, just maybe, that’s why I keep things. Receipts, letters, notes. You had me write, write of my love for you lest I forget; when am dragged & pulled down by the stumbles and the falls. Like David, I ache for you. It’s a burn that’s left me emotionally unstable, the best I could describe it ‘my love for you drains me’. I turn away and it’s okay for a while, then I hit a bump and I think, well, it’s the cycle again. I hide in some corner for days, then come out head down, shoulders slumped and just cry. Then, I realize the tears only make my head ache and I struggle to pray, remind myself that I truly love you and don’t know how to be what I need/want to be. Crazy love. Am getting better though. I still try to figure you out and I hit a dead end. Perhaps it’s because you are too many things in one. Today am thankful for the strides, for opening my eyes to a world that’s richer than what I know. In all honesty am still at the gates, outside, looking in to a life too beautiful to be true. I am still dragging my old self, will it ever leave as long as I live?
I still want to see the world as you do; see people for what you created them to be and not necessarily who they are. I want to live beyond what I feel, the imperfection; to understand how temporary earthly life is. I want to speak beyond my thoughts; there’s got to be more if you live inside me. I want to view pain beyond the scars, the sleepless nights, the tears and the loss. I want to see you at every corner I turn, right or wrong because you said you will never leave me or forsake me.
I want to bear fruits for the love I so much claim, I don’t know how or when…I seem to never know a thing, and am almost okay with that.
Thank you for the year that’s gone, thank you for the next.

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