Lessons from my Sigmund Freud nightmare!
I had a miserable night when I failed to reproduce what I knew because I was torn between 2 conflicting thoughts in an exam. I ended up choosing the wrong one and usually one always ends up knowing immediately they leave the exam room. You hear it on the corridor doors as you walk out and you want to hurry out as fast as you can, to activate some defense mechanisms that will see you get over it; the lecturer had a poor illustration I just couldn’t get it right, maybe am the only one who understood the question I mean who sets a straight forward exam. The list goes on. I couldn’t stop at this and ended up studying again for the exam I had already done.
My exam was to start at 6pm and I had been revising from noon. I took a break around lunch hour because there was a small concept on Sigmund Freud (structure of the mind illustration) that wasn’t just hitting home despite repeating it a dozen times. I silently prayed as I strolled to ‘clubu’ amidst sighs and vents coz my mind was clogged from not just books but other stuff as well. I went back to the library after an hour or so and read on other topics. Just before the paper, I came across a question (Carl Jung’s illustration on structure of the mind) that may have compromised what I already knew and I ended up representing it on paper. The two theorists have two distinct thoughts it’s hard to mistake one for the other but that’s exactly what I did and lost a third of my 100% even before marking. Well, the compulsory question was equally challenging so at this point am hoping for a B.
This was a gamble, I could have chosen Freud over Jung by chance. I would have been thrilled of my A but would never have learned the concept, which immediately sunk in the minute I opened my books after the exam. This represented so many things among finalizing the process of dealing with the situation which went from denial, bargaining, depression to acceptance. It may have been ‘mild’ but any kind of loss goes through the same process.
Any other temperaments other than Melancholies may not understand this, especially a sanguine. This is our world of perfection, it’s not done until its perfect. It’s not just exams and we don’t just get over it. What has changed over the years is the length of time I deal with issues. Now, this process takes less than 24 hours while initially it took months to get over anger, remorse, pain, disappointments e.tc. Am growing. Am mostly growing from being mad at God over everything that went wrong. I couldn’t understand why even after praying things didn’t work out us I wanted. I ended up being mad at Him for weeks and refused to pray thinking it hurt Him lol. Well, to some extent it did. When my 2 year old wants a full packet of Juice instead of actual food I withhold it from him. I know it’s better for him to eat than take too much sugar which is not good for both of us. It bothered Him because I wasn’t learning. Learning to trust Him for what is best for me. Which parent does not want good for their own flesh and blood, especially a mother. When Nathan cries it breaks my heart unless he’s broken the TV (it’s actually cracked right in the middle). It took me such a long time to understand that God loves Nathan more than I love him. When awful things happen and we don’t understand, prior to them its easier to get lost in that comfort of His love, and then bam! You lose a loved one, you are unable to depend on yourself because it’s the 8th year of joblessness (true story I know), you have a seemingly overdue prayer request you are almost giving up on and there’s just too much uncertainty about the future you don’t know what to make of it. How do remain amazed in your presence when there’s so much hurt?
It’s a journey. A long unexpected journey we are not told when we receive Christ as our personal savior. We have to receive things in bits because mostly we come to Him when we are hurting and we just want comfort. You don’t teach a child multiplication and addition before counting. The counting is fun. We do it with Nathan every evening from day care, counting stairs all the way to the house. It turns into a song, so loud my heart melts and stops at the same time. When he starts school next term and he has to do his homework, the fun stops, its business and we have to get value for our money lol (studying isn’t always fun). Over the years I have learned that the learning process is allowed even expected. You are not taught a concept and it sinks in right away. You make mistakes, repeatedly. The difference between two learners going through the same process is what each of them does with the concept. Interest, motivation, practice, commitment and our personal experiences makes the difference. That’s all I have done in my Christian journey and like the Israelites gone round the wilderness for years. The ideas are great but when I chose to focus on attaining the goals ‘right’ than on who was inspiring this change and lifestyle I continuously failed. Close and personal relationships matter, it’s the beginning of really getting someone in their perspective and not yours. I’d think God prefers that I go to church because that’s what am called to do as a Christian (faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God). If I leave a heated argument behind in the process who am I truly pleasing? Myself. God would rather see me home and make peace instead.
I now know Sigmund’s theory better than I knew before I had to lose those marks. I can explain it to someone and they don’t have to spend hours on it. I will probably come across it again and get it right. When we finally learn, it’s much more useful not just to us but others as well. Am open to learning, its hard work but worth it.