We are moving!

So many open doors this year, I’m kind of dangling on one right now, but that’s among the many posts that will follow this one. To mention two, I started work at Africa 118 on a Google training project – Digital Skills for Africa, in January as I had desired all along (God is faithful), I revamped my blog and oh! how I love it – Thank you Stephen.

Here is a how I introduced the new site on facebook.

“Let me share how faith landed me this job.
A friend had 3 interviews and landed two jobs.
She started on one and a month later she was called to report to the other.
On the day she declined the second offer, I appeared an hour later, CV at hand.
Got lost on the familiar road until I stepped into the elevator with my current supervisor.
Two interviews later, the rest is history.

Sited on my right is the guy rebranding my blog. I’m yet to know how the one on the left fits into God’s divine plan. The one right opposite me should be getting me shoes . Because when you go to Him on your knees and walk your legs in faith…He moves.

ChristHub.co.ke is baking.

Why Christhub? Hub is described in the Oxford dictionary as ‘the effective centre of an activity, region or network’. Another site simply describes it as the ‘Focal point’.
Christhub simply describes Christ at the centre of…everything.

Like our page, let’s see where this goes. Share your thoughts too.”

FOLLOW ME ON MY NEW BLOG http://christhub.co.ke/

He lied…and I believed him

I have this amazing Sunking solar lamp that replaced the bulb in my kitchen a couple of weeks ago. A tiny metal fell of the bulb holder and I couldn’t find it. Yesterday as I was emptying my fruit basket to make a smoothie I found it. Up the kitchen counter I climbed to replace the metal. Two screws out and back later, it worked. That took about 45 minutes. Sweaty and blinded by the bright light, another bulb went off in my head. That’s how God speaks to me by the way. With onions, metals, matchsticks, curtains… anything within my vicinity. It’s usually much easier to understand with these illustrations. So God brought into perspective the broken piece I wrote yesterday and the broken piece of metal I had just found. I had no idea I would be able to fix the holder but amazingly I did. I was ecstatic. The room was much brighter I opted to change the bulb but didn’t want another 45 minutes of sweating & holding my breath. I was assured, that God will and is in fact fixing all the broken pieces for a much brighter end product. I believed that, received it in my heart & thanked God in faith for everything He is doing behind the scenes. And just when I was settling into the miracles of the evening…”Pop”, the bulb blew up. And I went to sleep. But I asked God to let me know what that meant. He has used that to heal me of the brokenness of the past few months. It’s just amazing how he works.

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I thank God that in my hurt & doubt & questions, I did not quit on church and fellowship. All that time he pursued me. There was word after word that tagged at my heart. I guess I had gone much further down the drain of hopelessness and the words, as real and meaningful as they were, didn’t make any sense to me. I would have the food in my mouth but without chewing, it just stuck there. My nanny leaving was the beginning of the darts being thrown at my faith. So much more has happened afterwards that I can’t even recall, but they have led me to the point I’ve been: faithless, fatigued and prayerless. When God brought out my failure with the whole Cain story I missed the bigger picture. All I saw was rejection and an unanswered prayer because of failing to do the right thing. And I was wrong. 2nd Timothy 3:16 says that “All scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work”.

The devil twisted God’s word and I fell for his lies. I believed that God was mad at me. That I was rejected. That I was the problem. That I had hurt people. That my personality is awful. That am unpleasant to be around and even God himself was casting me out. He did a good job. He got my file out and took the pages of all my past and weaknesses, went to the bank and cashed the check see everything I remembered about my past. He took away my confidence in Christ. For a moment my bulb was on and I was settling in the warmth of it and “pop”, darkness. And that’s all I saw. The devil came in and burst my bubble, with it my confidence shrunk. He filled me with doubt, and just like steam on glass the word of God was erased in my heart and mind. I knew it was there, I just couldn’t see. Nothing made sense anymore.

There’s no scripture that says the word of God is meant to torment and unearth every mistake of our past so if you ever feel that way that’s deception from the enemy. That is meant to derail God’s plans and purposes for your life, to steal your joy and blind you this way: that God’s love and approval of us is conditional to the things we do right, that you will never get over you past, that your mistakes define who you are, that life is unfair, hard, unbearable and the future is hopeless, that God hates you and is out to get you.

The devil is deceptive, that’s his nature. If he’s got you into depression, know that’s not the will of God. If he’s got you stuck in the pain of your past, locked in the memories of the things that tore your your heart apart…he’s got you exactly where he wants you to be. If he’s had you figure out everything negative people think of you…that’s exactly what he wants you to believe.

Guard your thoughts from everything that’s not from God because there’s no grey area. It’s either from God or the devil.

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God knows exactly what you need

I want to move houses, this means a new school for Nate. I want to finish school and off to work immediately. I want to go to Paris. I want all of these by December 2016. None of that has happened. Yet. The other day we were walking to church with Nate and met an old friend. I happened to mention to her that I needed God to do so much in such a short time & that didn’t surprise her. She assured me God is able to do so much more. I wanted to believe that, i just couldn’t.

I had a great start to the year, it would be my last year in school and I was sowing in faith on so many levels. Then, the nanny I got from the blues, who I hadn’t even prayed for really, who we went to church together and she accepted Christ in our fellowship, who I saw as a gateway to the ministry I was called into on campus and home church See how i was psyched up for this…left within three months. As she was leaving, I realized how much I had failed to balance ministry with my home and the latter fell, come to think of it both fell at that point. Faith wise, I began to crumble. See, when you trust God for an egg and one day it drops in your hands, you spray it with water, wipe it with your kinky hair and smear olive oil on it, then when you least expect it the worst happens and it drops and takes everything with it…you crumble. I have had over 15 nannies with Nathan (He is 3 years old). It’s like never keeping a job. I did absolutely everything to keep them and one by one they left with a piece of my broken heart, taking the last shred of hope I had in keeping one. I have learned to be responsible, to walk into a kitchen full of dirty scattered dishes (it’s the kitchen that always messes with me), put on music and spend the next 3 hours restoring sanity in my tiny space where the orange-white checkered curtain is constantly screaming “wash me today please”.

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As she was leaving, God blatantly told me I had failed when i was compared to Cain in the Bible. The devotion I read that day was “If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it.” And perhaps because i was bitter with God over time it did just that. I ended up not doing much in evangelism committee ‘according to me’, I kind off just slacked.

I left the skies and in the recent months I have been dragging in the mud of faith; believing I can pray again and that the bible doesn’t contain empty words and promises. There’s been test after test after test, and at some point I got tired and allowed myself to get hit. I opened a can of worms. My battery went so low and it eventually died. I try to recharge it and I constantly get the blinks. I don’t know what God is crucifying in me, perhaps it just got started and I don’t know. My eyes are wide open staring into darkness thicker than the smokes of Hades, constantly calling out ‘save me’.

He knows what I need: offer the sacrifice of praise, Godliness with contentment is of great gain, the just shall live by faith. He knows I need my spirit strengthened more than my body satisfied. He knows these things shall pass. He knows It’s time I fed on meat, even when I feel I’m not yet ready, even when I don’t know what that really means. It’s been the hardest to trust in God, perhaps my roots are being pulled deeper or I’m growing them.

It doesn’t sound musical, perhaps it will when I’m in heaven and everything is in the right perspective.

Have you been to a night service where it’s cold, you are struggling with sleep, the worshipers are off key and you can’t seem to follow what the preacher is saying? And you are like…”would it have been different if I stayed home?” That’s the right atmosphere to meet with God. Doesn’t make sense right? God doesn’t always call us to fancy stuff. To preach to 100 million people moved to tears by the Holy Spirit. To Hillsong, King and country concerts. To cruise in the Atlantic singing ‘Kumbaya’ adorning God on the works of his hands. We are constantly sent to mission fields to pray with the sick and evangelize to a handful who show up and no one accepts Christ (sowing the seeds). We are called to seek God on empty stomachs and a clueless tomorrow, being thankful in advance…to the prayers he seems to not give answers to. We are called to trust him, even when our hearts are continuously broken. We are called to faithfully serve with the little we think we have. We are called to rejoice at all times because the price was already paid. The lamb is already slayed. We have the gift of salvation that surpasses everything we may ever desire. We are victorious because He says we are. Even when we don’t understand a thing.

We are called to know and believe that He is God. He knows exactly what we need and the rest are details.

Fixing feelings before the Wreck

It’s the 30th year anniversary of Ralph being a wrecker and he badly wants to change. In fact it depresses him enough to join a bad guys’ support group. He destroys his neighbors’ apartments and everyone dislikes him for that. Felix is the good guy…he fixes all the wreck and gets the love, the pie and a pat on the back. Ralph has never tasted cake and is never invited to Niceland parties. He intrudes on Felix’s crowning event to promise everyone that he was going to be good and in turn get a bigger shinier medal – after he wrecks the party.

He goes in search of his medal away from Niceland and ‘finds’ it, something wrong happens on his detour and the medal ends up in Vanellope’s hands.. She’s an outcast in Sugarland and has not been able to earn a medal to race because only good guys get medals. She trades Ralph’s medal for a place in a racing game. In search of Vanellope, Ralph finds other girls bullying her and defends her. After settling scores, Ralph agrees to help Vanellope get a racing car and it turns out to be a great bonding venture. Turbo, the king of Sugarland, who is determined to keep Vanellope from racing, sneaks in on her and turns Ralph against her. Ralph being Ralph does what he does best and Wrecks Vanellope’s car in exchange for his lost medal which the king happily hands him back. He goes back to Niceland to find the shock of his life. Spoiler’s end…find “Wreck-it Ralph”…it’s an awesome cartoon that God used to teach me a couple of things.

  1. I don’t need some medal (Perfection, approval, acknowledgement etc.)

When Ralph left Niceland, those who hated him became aware of his value. When he returned with the medal, it added no value to his life. In fact he discarded it. The search of this valuable tag destroyed everything. I used the definite article ‘the’ because I have put certain timelines on some things I think I need to acquire. Leaving Niceland to me is forcefully removing the barriers God has placed ahead of me to get my way. My feelings don’t give way for me to assess the damages because like Ralph, am not aware of the consequences of my action, not just to me but those around me as well. I know for a fact that after getting this medal, I will still remain empty because I didn’t need it in the first place.

  1. Sweet Lies

Turbo sweetened lies with half-truths to make Ralph break Vanellope’s car thinking it was for her own good. He did so with such sincerity I believed him with no shred of doubt. That’s how my feelings persuade me to go after my medal convincing me that everything will be prefect so long as I get what I want. Waiting on God but helping him accomplish what he said he would do seems just about right.

  1. The fixer

It cost Felix to fix Ralph’s mistakes. He went to jail and risked his life, but eventually he fixed things. Reminds me of what we put God through every time we entertain sin. 1st Peter 4:3 says that whatever sin we have committed before coming to Christ is enough…we simply can’t continue to entertain sin. We strive for righteousness and yes we may fall, but the bible says we are renewed daily to his likeness. If we don’t keep trying, we will never get there.

I wrote this post on May 14th after watching Wreck-it-Ralf which had been on my laptop since 2014. Today I struggled with my emotions again; when am angry am either cold or rude, or both. Today I was cold, walked into church cold, walked out cold and now am lukewarm. I am earnestly praying that God will give me victory in this area of my life. The fruit of the spirit has 9 attributes in one (one tree, 9 fruits) and these are love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. This takes me back to my other prayer request of unconditional love – love with no strings attached. With unconditional love, my peace and joy is not dependent on other’s actions. I get to be patient and refuse to get upset/cold (self-control) with people’s weaknesses as I respond with kindness and gentleness. I remain faithful to God’s way of doing things – his wisdom and not mine.

I know the God who filled this desire in me is faithful to accomplish his good – not mine, in me.

 

The waiting season

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There are irreversible lessons in life for future reference and to keep others from falling in the same pit. God forgives and gets us through our mess but the consequences of impatience are ever present.

Am here now, with the realization that as long as I am still on this earth, there are two things I may not achieve: a life of comfort (many yet to receive Christ) and perfection. We can remain in one spot for ages trying to achieve what God desires for us, thus the call to be patient and persevere. While we are waiting for life to unfold, its important to know that:

  • We are waiting on God

Every good and perfect gift comes from God, James 1:17. Not our friends or family, spouses or children. Not the bosses we are eager to please for a promotion. He desires to bless us, the only problem is we don’t know how to protect what is freely given, and the best example is salvation through the death & resurrection of Christ. Waiting as a process molds us to be keepers and remain in awe of what God can do, only if we don’t give in to short cuts.

Being there myself, I know how waiting on God can be a challenge. I have moved on my own where I thought God was taking forever or he simply didn’t understand my circumstances. Big mistakes I made. Some decisions are irreversible and God has had to continuously reassure me that first am forgiven, and he works out all things for good to those who love him and have been called according to his own purpose. What makes this period easier? It’s knowing that:

  • God has a better perspective of our lives.
  • He has amazing plans that will blow our minds, Psalms 139:17-18.
  • There’s nothing good you can accomplish on your own.
  • You can go ahead and work things out by yourself but you can’t drag along fulfillment and contentment.
  • A solid foundation in Christ is the only thing that will keep you focused.
  • We get answers when we are actively seeking…fellowships, prayer, reading & studying the word. That’s the active line of communication with God.
  • Avoid distractions – wrong company and especially one that pulls you away from God, being lukewarm in salvation, negative thoughts and environments.
  • Continue to pray even when you don’t understand. Rant (to explain at length a complaint or negative opinion) to God about your feelings of frustrations and ask for grace to desire him more than your needs.

 

  • Godliness with contentment is great gain

God appeared to Solomon and prompted him to ask for anything he wanted. He chose wisdom and God responded “I will do what you have asked. I will give you a wise and discerning heart, so that there will never have been anyone like you, nor will there be. Moreover, I will give you what you have not asked for – both riches and honor – so that in your lifetime you will have no equal among kings,1 Kings 3:12-13.” Solomon in all his wisdom & wealth considered everything meaningless Ecc. 1:1. He considered wisdom, pleasure and toil meaningless. This is how he concluded the book of Ecclesiastes in chapter 12:13 “Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments for this is the whole duty of man.” So there’s one who had everything anyone could ever dream of yet was not fulfilled. What is it that makes us associate one more achievement/answered prayer to contentment? Truth is, if we are not happy in our present circumstances, no car/wife/child/husband/new job/extra cash will give us more contentment. Remember blessings come with more responsibilities.

  • Keep Asking

Have you gone to certain government offices to be served? Well, that’s one place we can practice patience. In my previous work, I had to get tax exemption approval documents from the Kenya Revenue Authority to clear solar lanterns from customs. This usually took between 2 and 72 hours…2 hours when I camped in those offices, 72 when I went back to the office, sometimes less when I followed up with calls. Being present and pursuing those officers meant I was available to block them from their 3 hour lunch breaks, provide and receive any clarification. In Luke 11, Jesus mentioned the story of a guy knocking on his friend’s door in the middle of the night for bread. The one inside was asleep with his children in bed and did not want to be disturbed. The fellow kept on knocking and eventually got his bread because of his boldness. Are you giving God a break after knocking once, twice, thrice? Continue to PUSH – Pray Until Something Happens. I know what this feels like, take a break when you feel your need is consuming you; those moments when you start to question God in line with the unanswered prayer. Talk to people, browse on blogs and listen to the word for encouragement, this will keep you going in prayer.

  • The past won’t tell you anything new

So don’t listen to it. It’s a time waster, a rocking chair that won’t get you anywhere. It leaves you drained. It reminds you of everything God has forgiven and completely forgotten. It draws you back to a place that won’t offer you anything at all, if not more heartache.

  • One day at a time

Part of waiting is knowing you are on the right track. Give each day to the Lord, without wishing you were either more or less. If feelings of inadequate overwhelm, the Holy Spirit is able to bring truth on every doubt. Seek him.

Firstly, know that it doesn’t matter what you want in life, if it doesn’t come from God it will still leave you empty and dissatisfied. God adds no sorrow to what he blesses, Proverbs 10:22. Prioritize on establishing a relationship with God. Remember Solomon’s sentiments…everything is meaningless.

Secondly, know what you want and ask for the will of God concerning it, that is, question if God approves of it. He sent us the Holy spirit to guide us into all truth, John 16:13. If God gives you peace about it continue to pursue that prayer irrespective of the outcome and your feelings. God will provide direction on what to do, who to talk to and so on.

Thirdly, appreciate where you are. You now could be the best moments of your entire life and just because one or two things are unavailable, don’t leave the bird at hand for two still in heaven.

Fourthly, bang on that door. He will only send you away with what you need.

Fifthly, every day counts when it comes to the things you desire. If we spend our time seeking direction from God who has all figured out, there’s little left for detours of worry, discouragement, fear, doubt and the likes.

Lastly, the past is gone with the wind. Don’t go chasing it, opening old sores and creating wounds that won’t heal.

Don’t be stuck behind that wheel, God is saving us a lot of heartache.

 

Perception

I was walking from my house, thirty minutes past 7 in the night having my usual conversations with Christ. I thought how tangible things are more real and perhaps what frustrates me most in my spiritual walk is the inability to hold and feel my faith, God’s promises and even his unconditional love for me – in difficult times. In that instance it dawned on me, as if I never knew before, that I can neither see, hear, taste nor smell any spiritual aspect of my life – at list not in my daily Christian walk. I can’t demystify God from my human perception – the cognition/awareness of the information I receive from my sensory organs, that is ears, eyes, nose, mouth and skin.

I often read and reread my posts, mostly because I relate to the events I write. There are instances I try too much, I must admit, and there’s one post i tried to write someone else’s story. I will walk down that memory lane, from where God has me headed, so I won’t delete them. God has given me a framework of what he could have me do & I have no idea where to start. In theory, it seems great. It’s one of those concepts of making the world a better place. It’s big & puts me out there – an introverts nightmare. And I asked him “How am I even able to do this? This is bigger than me.” “Through Christ who strengthens you” that’s what came to mind.

Another post that I question its impact from the title alone is this. Am very honest in my writing, sometimes a little too much. There have been moments I question God’s goodness; in chronic situations – painful seasons that seem to last forever, his loud silence and my very own perfect ideas that hit a dead end. Am like God, I thought we were on this together…I tagged you along remember? And I must have done just that, tag him along instead of having him take the wheel. My imperfect relationship with Christ is an everyday work in progress – that’s how I see it, and still on the other side I know Christ did all the work, I am not saved by my works.

“but when perfection comes the imperfection disappears” 1 Cor 13:10.

Am working towards receiving everything he worked so hard for me, who knew acceptance would be the battle? I remember how grandmothers in my community chewed our foods and had us swallow, when we were still infants. Now we want to throw up from the mere thought because we think way too much. Infants eat anything, even poop & they don’t question what their grannies give them. We get older and get conditioned to the awful thought of having someone chew for us & it’s no longer an act of love/nurture. That’s the very same way we act towards God. His yoke is easy, his burden light but we still want to drag our own weight and remain as we are, in our discomfort zone.

“For anyone who enters God’s rest also rests from his own work….” Hebrews 4:10

My spiritual perception changes(gets bigger/clearer) as I grow in the Lord. I pray that in the quest to impact others with the knowledge and truth of Christ, my emotions won’t get in the way. Am striving towards; living joyfully from this fact alone – Christ has redeemed me & it’s his will for me to be joyful always, not in the turnout of my circumstances; trusting unwavering in God, his timing & promises. That everything I do will reflect the truth & love of Christ and a woman yearning to please God; from sharing real/personal/true struggles that reveal the glory of God to preaching water and drinking from the very same cup. So help me God.

 

VANITY

Among the very valid reasons God wants our minds off this world is that it will constantly disappoint us. The widow with the 2 small copper coins gave more than the rich in the room. Jesus said it’s because she gave out of her poverty while the latter out of their abundance. Let me turn this the other way round to illustrate how and why friendships, property, children, spouses and any form of security can never satisfy. Those who gave plenty gave out of abundance and the world lacks that which we seek hence it cannot give what it does not have.

I have had high expectations on people, even now I still do. I expect people to be honest and mean what they say. I expect everyone to be conscious of their future and plan now, save that extra mpesa transaction money, that weekend alcohol bill and take a bus instead of a flight if they have no rush – the goal is the destination right? I want people to read my mind and know I mean well even if it doesn’t show on my face. Expectations, from a world that doesn’t have much to give if any at all. Am looking to people who harbor hurt & pain to love me back, who suffer rejection to openly accept me, people who don’t know the future to acknowledge that am on the right path. Am looking for approval, dependency, stability and security in an ever changing world. Am looking for a constant – relationships that will last forever, a pocket that won’t run dry, health that won’t deteriorate, knowledge that will stay on my fingertips. Am chasing the wind, and heck I want to be fit but am getting weary instead. Am always disappointed and my secondary appraisal is to blame them that have let me down. I spend too much energy fixing my perspective on people who don’t see eye to eye with me. Then I end up thinking maybe it’s actually me with the problem and not them.

Yesterday, the bulb went off and I not only saw the light but perceived it. I heard the voice but then again this time I understood – the moment we shift focus from God to people, we can only expect less of what we are because lets be honest, there’s not much to rejoice within us either. We make promises we don’t keep, we pass judgment, we silently scorn others and even in our thoughts we err. If I can’t give as much, I shouldn’t expect to receive any. So the next time you are disappointed in someone/a circumstance look within yourself and see the much you lack, then draw to God who has much more to give than you are willing to receive – not another relationship, job, career, town. They will still disappoint.

“Cursed is the one who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength & whose hurt turns away from the Lord” Jeremiah 17:5

“Do not wear yourself out to get rich; have the wisdom to show restraint. Cast but a glance at riches and they are gone, for they will surely sprout wings and fly off to the sky like an eagle” Proverbs 23:4-5 NIV

“Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things” Col 3:2 NIV